I'm sitting in the hotel room in my home town, Tucson. I traveled down to give my Papa Bill a love, because he's really sick and won't make it much longer. While I am down here I wanted to hit a meeting. I went online and found that there was only 2 meetings a week in Tucson. One of them was close at my grandma Sine's home ward. I took down the guys name and number to see if there happened to be any other meetings that weren't listed. When I visited my grandma she told me that her home teacher and visiting teacher were missionaries for the addiction recovery meetings. I asked her their name and it was the same I had written down. I asked her if she would like to go with me, and she said she would love it. I ate a lovely dinner she had prepared and then we picked up my brother Michael so he could join us. The meeting was really small- only one other person besides us and the missionaries. It was so great to meet them. They are so sweet to my grandma. We all took turns sharing, and even my grandma talked. She was saying that she still had things she needed to change about herself. The missionaries joked about how she was addicted to Nintendo! We were talking about step 3 and turning your will over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

When the sister missionary talked she read a cool paragraph from Alice in Wonderland. Alice was speaking to the Cheshire cat about which road to take. He asked her where she was going and she said she was going in no particular direction. The cat then said to her that it didn't matter what road she took. It was a great analogy about the decisions we make in life.

I don't think any of this was a coincidence. So glad I had this opportunity!

Frustration!!! I am trying so damn hard!- I am clean, and grateful for that- but the hard part for me right now is RE managing my life. Being pulled 20 different ways and trying to be great at all of it is soooo not possible for me. At least not for now. I love most of these things that I have my hands full with but that doesn't make it any easier. 5+ meetings a week, 3 therapy sessions the girls included, trying to find a babysitter for those things, going from Mom's house to "my" house, trying to get 2 loads of laundry + done everyday, 3 loads of dishes, 10+ books read to the kids, reading my scriptures, doing my 10 minute meditation, filling in my daily planning sheet ( something I can focus on for the day in these three categories-spiritual, emotional and physical ) Writing what I can do to improve myself for the next day, checking in with Gordon nightly, checking in with Kathleen my sponsor daily, Focus on one of the 12 steps, doing something sweet and thoughtful for Drew, having dinner on the table at 5:30... STAY SOBER

I realize THIS IS LIFE. Everyone has this more or less that they have to deal with, I am sure with a happy heart but it is so much for my head and heart right now. Admitting to myself that my life has become UNMANAGEABLE is the first step, and I am learning to manage. I can endure!

Joshua 1:9

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

I have soaked in so much this week and I know there is much more to learn. I love these first 3 steps so much. I have to thank my sweet Grandma Lyn. She sent a letter to my mom and added some scriptures that might help me. She will never know how much it has!


3 Nephi 18:15


Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always, lest ye be tempted by the devil, and ye be led away captive by him.



1 Corinthians 10:13

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.



Alma 13:28 & 29

But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above which ye can bear, and thus be led by the holy spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long suffering; Having faith on the Lord, having a hope that ye shall recieve eternal life, having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.

Tonight I have hope!

It's a little weird that I have started another blog, when I had a perfectly good one already. I just feel like it's a good way for me to write about everything going on in my life right now and sort of keep it separate. Not that this is by any means separate from me- I mean, it is me. Addiction is who I am. I am probably not making any sense! Oh, well!


In a meeting we were talking about step 3 "Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and in his son Jesus Christ". Everyday we read the steps allowed going around the room taking turns. I have had this step a lot when it has been my turn. It is no small coincidence. This is something I am working on. We have talked about how this step is seriously hard, but the most important thing we will ever do in our lives.



Elder Neil A. Maxwell-

The submission of ones will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's Altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice they may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in Gods will, then we are really giving something to him.



Another thing we read today felt right at home:

At first our efforts were anxious and halting. We kept giving the Lord our trust and then taking it back. We worried that He would be displeased at our inconsistency and withdraw his support and love from us. But he didn't.

Starting this thing

I realized after only a week that I really wanted to continue blogging but I didn't know how to go about it since I am working so hard on staying sober. I decided to start a blog about my addiction and recovery. Those that would like to read it are welcome, but I am not going to refrain from leaving out details, or trying to sound soft. I need this for therapy. Maybe someday I will continue with the Everyday blog. As of now, I am moving forward and trying to do the next right thing. That is a phrase I hear a lot in recovery.

I am a bit frustrated this morning. My Pathfinder has been acting sick the past few weeks and this morning on the way to my house the steering went out on it, causing it to breakdown. It messed up plans for my whole morning, which results in messing with others plans. My mom had to get up and take me to get the boys. She has a Dr apt for the kids at the same time as the meeting. Drew has to come get us so Jack can go to school and I can catch my meeting on time. Geeze!!!

Lets hope the rest of the day goes better. I am seeing Gordon at 5:30 tonight. I can do some venting then!