Saturday, May 26, 2012

Been a crazy few weeks. Tonight is a tough night for me. I don't know what sets tonight apart from the rest. I just feel I need to let some of these feelings out! I just went and saw my babies. My girls are growing up too fast and I feel like I am missing so much. I am really proud of their accomplishments. I just hope they all know how special each one is to me. I recieved some sweet things from the kids for Mother's Day this year. They really went all out. The sweetest by far was the cards I got. Ally expressed a story she heard at school where the kids had their mom taken away from them and she was so happy that had not happened to her. It broke my heart. Even as I type it's hard to hold back the tears. Those are my babies! I feel like school is sucking the life out of me, even though it's making it better in the long run. Hard to keep that in mind when I miss so much. At least I am not missing out because I am drugged up.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Once a blogger, always a blogger

I don't think I have journaled on my blogs for well over a year now. I have kept pretty good written journals and I am grateful I took the time to write down my thoughts. I have been thinking about my blogs a lot lately and think it may be a good thing for me to start up again. Using this addiction blog seems a little less painful then trying to use my Everyday blog. That life is pretty much in my past and its weird for me right now, as I am working on my new divorced, educated self. I am working really hard on ME and I know I have made some great progress the past two years. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be myself this time next year. It seems like everything is working in slow motion for me. And what exactly are my goals? Do I have everything lined up? Am I prepared for what's next? Can I except what Heavenly Father has in store? Can I really be happy sober, and successful if I don't have my family? I mean I will always have my kids in my life and will be with them in all they do. Its just not the same and it never will be. No matter how much I want to change the past and start over I know it's not possible. Some things are better left in the past. It's just that I feel like half of me is missing. Is that stupid or naive? When will I be able to let him go? I pray for these answers nightly. I know the Lord is pleased with me and has given me the strength I need to carry on. I just wish I could trade places with someone that didn't have an addiction sometimes. I can't even remember what it was like to not have that desire. I know that for the first 6-7 yrs of my marriage I was NORMAL.Whatever that means.

My kids are growing up so fast. I have two tweens that are becoming way too boy crazy for me to handle! I do remember what I was like the summer before I turned 13. Ally turns 13 in December. I had my first kiss by then. I hope that isn't the normal age for such a thing. I know I was a little mature in that area due to circumstances beyond my control. Oh, please Lord keep the girls mind on something else! Izzy just wants to do everything Al is doing and she's not even ten for a couple more months. Why do younger siblings always seem to grow up faster? Ally was nothing like Izzy is when she was 9-10. She didn't even really like boys. Justin Beiber was her first real boy crush and that was last summer. What shall I do?! I am so grateful for the relationship they have with their father. He is doing such a wonderful job and maintains great communication. I just hope they know that it's the relationship they have with him and their Heavenly Father that matter.

The boys are just that. Boys! I feel like I have been able to keep my relationship with them healthy considering the circumstances. Ben still has anger issues and there have been a couple of times I had to take him to Drew because I didn't know how to handle his rage. Then I balled my eyes out feeling like a failure of a mom. Thankfully he forgives my shortcomings and it's baby steps with him. I just wish I knew what to say to him when he gets frustrated. I think I take it personally. Like he is only acting this way because I haven't been there for him. I love him so much and I won't ever give up.  Jack is such an amazing kid. I could not be more blessed. My time with him is always precious, and he is truly is a joy to be around. I treasure our cuddle time!