Saturday, May 26, 2012

Been a crazy few weeks. Tonight is a tough night for me. I don't know what sets tonight apart from the rest. I just feel I need to let some of these feelings out! I just went and saw my babies. My girls are growing up too fast and I feel like I am missing so much. I am really proud of their accomplishments. I just hope they all know how special each one is to me. I recieved some sweet things from the kids for Mother's Day this year. They really went all out. The sweetest by far was the cards I got. Ally expressed a story she heard at school where the kids had their mom taken away from them and she was so happy that had not happened to her. It broke my heart. Even as I type it's hard to hold back the tears. Those are my babies! I feel like school is sucking the life out of me, even though it's making it better in the long run. Hard to keep that in mind when I miss so much. At least I am not missing out because I am drugged up.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Once a blogger, always a blogger

I don't think I have journaled on my blogs for well over a year now. I have kept pretty good written journals and I am grateful I took the time to write down my thoughts. I have been thinking about my blogs a lot lately and think it may be a good thing for me to start up again. Using this addiction blog seems a little less painful then trying to use my Everyday blog. That life is pretty much in my past and its weird for me right now, as I am working on my new divorced, educated self. I am working really hard on ME and I know I have made some great progress the past two years. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be myself this time next year. It seems like everything is working in slow motion for me. And what exactly are my goals? Do I have everything lined up? Am I prepared for what's next? Can I except what Heavenly Father has in store? Can I really be happy sober, and successful if I don't have my family? I mean I will always have my kids in my life and will be with them in all they do. Its just not the same and it never will be. No matter how much I want to change the past and start over I know it's not possible. Some things are better left in the past. It's just that I feel like half of me is missing. Is that stupid or naive? When will I be able to let him go? I pray for these answers nightly. I know the Lord is pleased with me and has given me the strength I need to carry on. I just wish I could trade places with someone that didn't have an addiction sometimes. I can't even remember what it was like to not have that desire. I know that for the first 6-7 yrs of my marriage I was NORMAL.Whatever that means.

My kids are growing up so fast. I have two tweens that are becoming way too boy crazy for me to handle! I do remember what I was like the summer before I turned 13. Ally turns 13 in December. I had my first kiss by then. I hope that isn't the normal age for such a thing. I know I was a little mature in that area due to circumstances beyond my control. Oh, please Lord keep the girls mind on something else! Izzy just wants to do everything Al is doing and she's not even ten for a couple more months. Why do younger siblings always seem to grow up faster? Ally was nothing like Izzy is when she was 9-10. She didn't even really like boys. Justin Beiber was her first real boy crush and that was last summer. What shall I do?! I am so grateful for the relationship they have with their father. He is doing such a wonderful job and maintains great communication. I just hope they know that it's the relationship they have with him and their Heavenly Father that matter.

The boys are just that. Boys! I feel like I have been able to keep my relationship with them healthy considering the circumstances. Ben still has anger issues and there have been a couple of times I had to take him to Drew because I didn't know how to handle his rage. Then I balled my eyes out feeling like a failure of a mom. Thankfully he forgives my shortcomings and it's baby steps with him. I just wish I knew what to say to him when he gets frustrated. I think I take it personally. Like he is only acting this way because I haven't been there for him. I love him so much and I won't ever give up.  Jack is such an amazing kid. I could not be more blessed. My time with him is always precious, and he is truly is a joy to be around. I treasure our cuddle time!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I'm sitting in the hotel room in my home town, Tucson. I traveled down to give my Papa Bill a love, because he's really sick and won't make it much longer. While I am down here I wanted to hit a meeting. I went online and found that there was only 2 meetings a week in Tucson. One of them was close at my grandma Sine's home ward. I took down the guys name and number to see if there happened to be any other meetings that weren't listed. When I visited my grandma she told me that her home teacher and visiting teacher were missionaries for the addiction recovery meetings. I asked her their name and it was the same I had written down. I asked her if she would like to go with me, and she said she would love it. I ate a lovely dinner she had prepared and then we picked up my brother Michael so he could join us. The meeting was really small- only one other person besides us and the missionaries. It was so great to meet them. They are so sweet to my grandma. We all took turns sharing, and even my grandma talked. She was saying that she still had things she needed to change about herself. The missionaries joked about how she was addicted to Nintendo! We were talking about step 3 and turning your will over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

When the sister missionary talked she read a cool paragraph from Alice in Wonderland. Alice was speaking to the Cheshire cat about which road to take. He asked her where she was going and she said she was going in no particular direction. The cat then said to her that it didn't matter what road she took. It was a great analogy about the decisions we make in life.

I don't think any of this was a coincidence. So glad I had this opportunity!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Frustration!!! I am trying so damn hard!- I am clean, and grateful for that- but the hard part for me right now is RE managing my life. Being pulled 20 different ways and trying to be great at all of it is soooo not possible for me. At least not for now. I love most of these things that I have my hands full with but that doesn't make it any easier. 5+ meetings a week, 3 therapy sessions the girls included, trying to find a babysitter for those things, going from Mom's house to "my" house, trying to get 2 loads of laundry + done everyday, 3 loads of dishes, 10+ books read to the kids, reading my scriptures, doing my 10 minute meditation, filling in my daily planning sheet ( something I can focus on for the day in these three categories-spiritual, emotional and physical ) Writing what I can do to improve myself for the next day, checking in with Gordon nightly, checking in with Kathleen my sponsor daily, Focus on one of the 12 steps, doing something sweet and thoughtful for Drew, having dinner on the table at 5:30... STAY SOBER

I realize THIS IS LIFE. Everyone has this more or less that they have to deal with, I am sure with a happy heart but it is so much for my head and heart right now. Admitting to myself that my life has become UNMANAGEABLE is the first step, and I am learning to manage. I can endure!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Joshua 1:9

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I have soaked in so much this week and I know there is much more to learn. I love these first 3 steps so much. I have to thank my sweet Grandma Lyn. She sent a letter to my mom and added some scriptures that might help me. She will never know how much it has!

3 Nephi 18:15

Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always, lest ye be tempted by the devil, and ye be led away captive by him.

1 Corinthians 10:13

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Alma 13:28 & 29

But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above which ye can bear, and thus be led by the holy spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long suffering; Having faith on the Lord, having a hope that ye shall recieve eternal life, having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest.

Tonight I have hope!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It's a little weird that I have started another blog, when I had a perfectly good one already. I just feel like it's a good way for me to write about everything going on in my life right now and sort of keep it separate. Not that this is by any means separate from me- I mean, it is me. Addiction is who I am. I am probably not making any sense! Oh, well!

In a meeting we were talking about step 3 "Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and in his son Jesus Christ". Everyday we read the steps allowed going around the room taking turns. I have had this step a lot when it has been my turn. It is no small coincidence. This is something I am working on. We have talked about how this step is seriously hard, but the most important thing we will ever do in our lives.

Elder Neil A. Maxwell-

The submission of ones will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's Altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice they may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in Gods will, then we are really giving something to him.

Another thing we read today felt right at home:

At first our efforts were anxious and halting. We kept giving the Lord our trust and then taking it back. We worried that He would be displeased at our inconsistency and withdraw his support and love from us. But he didn't.