Thursday, March 11, 2010

Frustration!!! I am trying so damn hard!- I am clean, and grateful for that- but the hard part for me right now is RE managing my life. Being pulled 20 different ways and trying to be great at all of it is soooo not possible for me. At least not for now. I love most of these things that I have my hands full with but that doesn't make it any easier. 5+ meetings a week, 3 therapy sessions the girls included, trying to find a babysitter for those things, going from Mom's house to "my" house, trying to get 2 loads of laundry + done everyday, 3 loads of dishes, 10+ books read to the kids, reading my scriptures, doing my 10 minute meditation, filling in my daily planning sheet ( something I can focus on for the day in these three categories-spiritual, emotional and physical ) Writing what I can do to improve myself for the next day, checking in with Gordon nightly, checking in with Kathleen my sponsor daily, Focus on one of the 12 steps, doing something sweet and thoughtful for Drew, having dinner on the table at 5:30... STAY SOBER

I realize THIS IS LIFE. Everyone has this more or less that they have to deal with, I am sure with a happy heart but it is so much for my head and heart right now. Admitting to myself that my life has become UNMANAGEABLE is the first step, and I am learning to manage. I can endure!


  1. Girl, I feel ya.

    I know you probably didn't understand what I meant when I said "You're asking too much of yourself" but this is what I meant. I think it's too much to try to heal AND resume your regular mom/wife duties.
    I know you're doing what you've worked out is best for your family and I am so proud of you. I know that I could never do it. I freak out when something extra lands on my plate. I would have crashed my car or something by now to get into a court-ordered residential treatment by now, just to get a break! ;)

    I love you and I am sorry this is such hard work. I've beenthinking about you, wondering how Ally's session went.

  2. There's not much we can do from the outside, but we are praying for you.

  3. I'm so sorry Jill. You and your family are in my prayers! I'll never give up on you!